Tuesday, May 4, 2010


Tonight was kinda a (to)nightmare! I almost cried in my in front of my whole business class because I was paralyzed with fear about my inability to be able... I was so over come with this fear that I was incapable of the whole business of responsibility... I just felt that I had skated by for so long with people doing for me and fixing all of my ill planned life messes, that if I ever had to do it myself I would just fall flat on my face so hard that I would sink to the center of the earth and be consumed by molten lava! We went over credit and finances and accountability and I just kinda started spinning... Licensing and permits... And my brain just sorta started to slowly back out of the room as if it had walked in to the wrong meeting. And from there I tried to recall any sort of comfort or familiarity in any of the material that I could find but the only recognition I could claim all told me that I was a big huge loser and that I had better run ... Fast... Now... Before I turned in to a massive pile of steaming shit right here in front all of the respectable people. Then after 2 nasty hours of crazy self torment I had to get up in front of everyone and give my "elevator speech" Oh yay, they were probably all thinking, the cute, sparkly girl from last week... Wrong! The horrified, uncomfortably honest girl on the the verge of tears from this week!... I couldn't even give the whole speech... I had to stop and process fear right there in front of everyone???? Really??? I couldn't just fucking lie a little? For half a minute???... It was literally 30 seconds people, timed and I broke down and went with raw venerability ... That to me, is seriously lame... (skipping the details of all of that) It all turned out to be ok and and I got some really great feedback from the most unexpected places and I can now (3 hours later) chalk it up to just another perfect moment in life even though it, and I, am sometimes totally rediculus, I think it may have been exactly right...

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